I promise I will not lie, cheat, or steal much more than any of my opponents.
Like Henry Kissinger, I can assure you that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Just ask these babes in the photo above.
Special interests are special people. (These babes don't come cheap!)
For the future well-being of this great nation and for the sake of preserving the family, I propose "Aid to Independent Bachelors." By giving unmarried people a small, but livable monthly stipend, we will keep them out of the labor market so that married people can enjoy higher wages due to less competition for jobs. Not only will married people enjoy higher wages, but by maintaining the purchasing power of unmarried people through my proposed monthly stipends, more work will be available for married people.
Instead of bureaucracies crushing small business under the weight of paperwork, I propose that government sell monopolies outright just like they did during the French Mercantalist era. We can then lay off many bureaucrats and replace them with just a few Monopoly Maintenance Police. ("Creating an artificial shortage is better than theft.")
I can accomplish through law what can only be done otherwise through crime.
The war on drugs has been a terrible failure,
and I know why. The problem is not really the drugs -- it is the
protein in milk, meat and other such animal products. Young men
unwittingly consume milk and meat, get their hormones all worked up,
and start wanting to make love to beautiful women.
By banning the consumption of these dangerous animal products, we can keep these young men anemic, with low-energy and no desire to make love to beautiful women -- until, of course, they acquire a law degree and develop political connections.
To eliminate prison overcrowding, I propose a 100% tax on income. That way we will have one large prison without walls and won't need so many prisons with walls. Then we can even make milk and meat illegal without worrying about prison overcrowding.
If elected, I promise to support massive
psychological research. People are working less now that they are not
confident of being rewarded in the future. That is an aberration that
must be corrected! If people were truly moral and patriotic, they
would gladly labor 20 hours a day and then give 90% to Snidely, er,
ah, I mean "the government". The main reason for the failure of the
Soviet Union was the need for so many guards. If the people were
truly moral and patriotic, the guards would have been free to work 20
hours a day too.
Every day we hear that the intentions of the Communist revolution was good and that it was just the implementation that was flawed. I agree totally. Just because Lenin failed to change human nature, that's no reason for us not to try.
Children should be regarded as a precious national resource -- not as an "expensive personal hobby." Their development should not be left to chance. That is why I propose that all children be taken from their parents at six months of age and placed in a government school. This way we will eliminate much of the hypocrisy of our culture. Every time a problem develops, people cry out, "Why doesn't the government do something!" Then when the government does something, they complain. These schools will lower expectations and instill conformity so as to guarantee that the government programs they are calling for will work to everyone's satisfaction.
I am opposed to abortion rights for the unborn.
Who do these little fetuses think they are, trying to avoid taxes,
regulations, and our ever-growing national debt. They have a duty to
be born because in a democracy, those who vote with the majority have
the right to live at the expense of those who vote in the minority,
and of course, at the expense of those who do not vote at all. And
who is less able to vote than the unborn? (See Footnote)
Unlike other politicians, my policies are not short-sighted. I think of the future! After all, what's to become of Snidely, Jr. should these fetuses succeed in avoiding birth?
Authoritarians love poor people. That's why our policies are designed to make more of them.
I, along with professors and many other opinion leaders, have worked for years to elevate envy from an individual vice to a social virtue.
Without vision the people perish -- and politicians flourish.
I promise a much more vigilant regulation of our rampant technological development. In the past, we would let the technology develop first, and then regulate it. My administration will regulate technological development in advance so we won't have to deal with the problems of technology in the first place.
It is the prerogative of great leaders like myself to assume risks with taxpayers' money that they would never take with their own money.
Give me the power to micromanage every aspect of your life, and, I promise the climate will not change!
National Health Care must be run by the government totally. Massive regulation of all phases of health care has helped us secure the blessings of modern medicine that we enjoy today. Therefore, we should not hesitate to fully embrace the ultimate development of regulatory genius -- complete government ownership! Why settle for partial blessings when, by saying "Yes!" to Snidely, we can be blessed in the fullest measure possible?
People complain too much about the high cost of
health care. Please know that unless you accept my platform above,
you deserve everything you get.
First, we have the AMA empowered by Congress to limit the number of medical practitioners in the market place. Next, we have the FDA and a host of other agencies to further limit health care options and the general availability of services. (Fortunately, we have great leaders like Dr. Kessler who know that it is better for us to die their way than it is for us to take chances with new procedures and risk dying our way.)
Next, we have a tax system that motivates third-party payments for health care services. This creates the perception of health care as a free good, which, in turn, increases the demand for services.
Let's sum it up. One set of policies limits the supply of health care services, and another set of policies increases the demand for health care services. Even a graduate from a government school should be able to figure out where prices will go in a situation like this -- UP, UP, UP!
Therefore, you need to vote for Snidely and National Health Care. We might still have problems, but at least it will be "FREE"!
Military policy must not be left to chance! President Bush should have orchestrated Desert Storm 18 months later than he did. His popularity in the polls diminished, and he was at the mercy of Bill Clinton. Snidely will not make that mistake. Considering the entertainment value of Desert Storm, if elected, I will work hard to arm obnoxious little countries so we can jump on them at least once every two years. The excitement of living vicariously through the exploits of our gladiators is a welcome relief from the specter of economic decline.
Bosnia was handled all wrong! The international
community had the right idea, but they just didn't go far enough.
We all know that if intended victims are disarmed and totally helpless in the face of an aggressor, the aggressor will put down his weapons because his code of honor will not allow him to feast on the helpless. Therefore, blockading the former Yugoslavia was not enough. While the Serbs enjoyed a decided superiority in arms, the Muslims could still irritate them. The international community should have gone from door to door to confiscate any remaining Muslim weapons. This way the Serbs would have been honor-bound to leave the Muslims alone.
Having established above that criminals exist because intended victims resist, this tells us what we need to do in the United States as well. When we disarm all intended victims, crime will cease. Of course, there will be no need to take weapons from criminals because they, like the Serbs, will be honor-bound to cease and desist.
I say "politics is the highest calling." Telling people what to do while spending their money is a real high!! Give me all of your money, I will take care of all your needs, then I will return to you anything that is left.
The Authoritarian Party combines the best of both of the major parties. Conservatives oppose personal freedom while Liberals oppose economic freedom. The Authoritarian Party is the party of the future because we oppose both. (Snidely is a devotee of Tao Leadership: "find out which way the crowd is headed and jump in front.") Why settle for a dull life just minding your own business and living a simple life when, with Snidely's help, you can be running everyone else's lives? Snidely Slickster is the master of transforming petty grievances into holy causes!!!!
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